I went into labor with my daughter at 1:30 in the morning on May 16th. The day before I had spent the day shopping with my mom. I woke up and my water was leaking. It was a slow leak, so when I first woke up I was kind of confused. It was the middle of may and we lived in an upstairs apartment. It was HOT. At first I thought that maybe I was sweating, or peeing. I stood up, some gushed out. It felt like peeing yourself, but without the relief you get when your bladder is finally empty. So, I went to the bathroom, cleaned myself up, changed and went to go back to bed. More gushed out. At this point I obviously knew that it was my water and not urine coming out. What do I do? Well go wake up my mom of course. I then took a shower, had my mom take a shower, and finally my husband. And we made our way to the hospital. I wasn’t really having to bad of contractions by that point. I’m that weird 10 percent of people who’s water breaks before they even got a contractions. Well…. at least that pregnancy I was.
When we got to the hospital…I was only 1 cm! 1 cm? How could that be. Most people when their water breaks they are at least a 3-5. I was a 5 when my water broke with my son the 2nd pregnancy. But again, that is another story.
So I sat in the Jacuzzi they had there, it helped a little. When I got out, OMG were the contractions not so well. I would have stayed in the Jacuzzi if it wasn’t for the fact that I got nauseous from overheating. After getting out of the tub, I decided the water was helping the contractions so I wanted to go back into water. I sat in the shower a little bit. It helped. Kind of. My mom went into the bathroom with me. Trying to be helpful. I’m grateful for her at that moment. I ended up overheating in the shower and then throwing up on my mom because she wouldn’t move out of the way fast enough.
It was about 7 or so a.m. when I decided I wanted the epidural. Only bad part? I was only 2 cm. Now I don’t know if you know anything about labor, and epidurals. But for one, they can stall and slow labor. Two, if you get them too early it can cause the baby to flip sunny side up. Why? Because for the most part, you are stuck on your back, you can’t move around. My mom liked to try to give me crap about it. Telling me that I Didn’t need it. Was in my face saying it wasn’t that bad. I don’t think I have ever wanted to punch her so bad in my life. Like why would you say that.
The epidural was amazing, until it wasn’t. When I hit about 7-8 cm I started feeling extreme pressure. Typically can be kind of normal as baby is moving down into the birth canal. What made it not so normal is the fact that it was associated with pain. Now, had I not had an epidural that’s kinda common. But I had an epidural. So when I told them about the pressure they told me there was nothing they could do about pressure, and I proceeded to tell them there was pain too. They checked me. Only 8. They administered some more anesthesia. It helped for a bit. Then it was full on pain again. They checked me, nine. They kept giving me more anesthesia about every 45 min to an hr or so. It was a type of narcotic they put through the epidural because the pain was so unbearable. After 5 hours of being stuck at nine they decided to finally do an ultrasound. They found that my daughter was face up. When this happens the largest part of their head is trying to enter the birth canal. VERY HARD BACK LABOR. That was the pain and pressure I was feeling. You see, with her not being able to move down further because of her being face up, her head was basically riding my tail bone with every contraction. Imagine how that feels. Not so great. My doctor gave me the option. He was going to let me labor longer, or I could choose a c section. The thing is, face up comes with other potential complications. Getting stuck in the birth canal, higher chance of tearing, higher chance of hemorrhaging. Needless to say I decided to just have the c section. I had been in labor for about 15-16 hours. I was exhausted. I was done. Especially with how hard the last 5 hours had been.
It was emotional. That was the one thing I was terrified about labor. Not how bad it might hurt. Not the chance of tearing. Of course I was afraid of other potential complications that were worst than a csection, but I still have my tonsils for crying out loud. A c section is MAJOR surgery. You could die.
I remember getting prepped. They gave my husband an outfit for the OR, everyone was trying to take pictures, as if that is what I wanted in that moment. And my mom? She decided that she was going to get emotional. Like, I’m the one about to go through surgery and YOU are getting emotional. I felt like I couldn’t even be upset about it because I had to be strong for her. When I was the one going through it.
The OR is lonely, until your significant other gets in there. You are in there alone with the doctors, nurses, anesthesiologist. Its cold, you are strapped to a bed. Its scary. I Mean your stomach is literally getting cut into, so they can get your baby out. What isn’t scary about that? Its not like its your arms or anything like that. Its the place that holds literally ALL of your organs. Definitely not something to take lightly that’s for sure.
The moment I laid my eyes on her I was in love. I could tell she looked like me. First thing I said to my husband was she had my nose. (still holds true today, she is for sure through and through my mini me) they let me hold her almost the whole time we were in there. Then they had to take her to get cleaned up and all the tests done, while they finished stitching me up. I was alone again, my husband went with our daughter, as he should. Toward the end I could start to feel them stitching. But I didn’t say anything. It didn’t hurt that bad, and I knew it was almost over. I just kept telling myself it was almost over. They got done, changed me into a different bed and brought me to a different room where I would recover.
I was in recovery for at least an hour. I was so tired, it had been 17-18 hours since I had woken up to my water breaking. I kept dozing in and out while I was in recovery. They finally offered some ice chips to see how I did with those. I did fine. Finally they let me drink Some juice. I did fine with that too. I don’t think I have ever had juice taste SO good in my life.
I finally got back to my room. Where I could see my baby. But my mom wasn’t there. My dad, my step mom, my in laws, they were all there. But my mom wasn’t. I kept asking where she was and they said she had left. When I asked why, no one could give me an answer. I later found out that she left because she was annoyed with my mother in law. Which lets face it, isn’t that hard sometimes. You see I guess while I was in recovery the dr saw my mom and told her no one should go in the room with matt and the baby until I was out of recovery. That way I could get a chance to bond with her before everyone else was in there. Apparently when my mom told my mother in law she was like “we will see about that.” That doesn’t really surprise me though. My mother still should have set her differences aside for me. She was the one person I was looking forward to see, minus my daughter of course, after surgery.
So what is it like recovering emotionally from having a csection? Well its not easy. You feel like your body couldn’t do what it was suppose to. You are envious of everyone else in your life who was able to deliver vaginally. It wasn’t the birth you pictured for yourself or for your child. You wanted the perfect birth, the way you envisioned it. I certainly day dreamed about the moment that I pushed my daughter out, and heard her first cry. Being able to hold her right away for hours and hours, uninterrupted. Being able to breast feed right after delivery. Was that my reality? No. Instead I got to hold her, freezing, drugged up. I got separated shortly after for at least 2 hours while they finished closing and I had to recover. The whole surgery felt somewhat like a dream. The drugs they had put through my epidural were morphine based. I was on cloud nine. I was in pain, I had to have help getting out of the bed. Its still emotional, seeing births on TV. I can’t even explain how it can be. Babies healthy, I’m healthy. That’s great and I’m thankful. That doesn’t excuse the fact that its still depressing that it didn’t go the way you want. And people who have never had an experience like that do not understand. People who had labors and deliveries that were textbook perfect will never understand the disappointment of needing surgery to bring your child into this world. I understand that it was better for her. Especially the possible outcomes. I also understand that this was completely on me, because I could have tried longer. Do I regret the decision? Sometimes. Maybe if I had waited a little longer she would have flipped, or moved down. I wouldn’t have been attempting a vbac with my second, it would have just been a regular deliver. Again, this is another story to tell. It still sucks. Childbirth is amazing. Having my daughter was one of the best things to ever happen to me, even if it wasn’t what I had imagined for 9 months before that moment.